God Put a Smile Upon Your Face (story)

Ever since, I am having the same dream almost every night. I see myself in a dim corridor with no windows or any other source of light. There I am seeing nothing, hearing nothing, and sensing nothing at all; until two faces, which I know very well, start to appear hanging in the air, smiling and bouncing up and down. All what they are asking me to do (though they don’t say so, I just know it) is to smile back, but every time, I just don’t. Or to be more accurate I can’t because doing so demands going back with the time machine, and that’s impossible. It is not only the thought of that impossibility that squeezes my heart and leaves it dry but the fact that it was possible once, and I missed up!

We were three persons but one, one soul and one heart in three bodies. Words like friendship or brotherhood couldn’t by any means reflect what we were. I hardly recall a single day on which we haven’t met or at least contacted in a way or another. It was hard, if not impossible, to see one of us without the other two or two of us without the third. Being together was all that living could mean for us, the three of us.

Between all of that harmony and passion, selfishness sneaked in as I decided to cut off myself from them. It all happened so quickly that I can’t trace it back to its roots and whether I was serious about it or not.

But I do recall that night when we were out together, roaming around, as it was our habit almost every night (except the nights when we have to study for a test coming next morning). Although it was raining lightly, the night was quite hot, but thanks for the air conditioner of our car, we were well protected. I was sitting on the back seat, silent because my favourite song was on, which used to send me orbit especially the last stanza (which I know by heart) it was like:
Where do we go, nobody knows
Don't ever say you're on your way down, when..
God gave you style and gave you grace
And put a smile upon your face

I remember that I was trying to convince them repeat it (for the third time!) when suddenly there was a flashing light from the car behind us, which was known to be a sign to pull over. When we stopped, out of the other car came one of our ex-classmates. I cried out that’s Ahmed, our classmate last year. I saw worry and fear in the eyes of my two companions as if they were expecting a bad news from him. We got off to meet him (under the light rain) and after the casual greetings, he congratulated my two friends for their new jobs. I was stunned on hearing that, but I tried my very best to stay calm and just smile to show that I know about it. They smiled too but their smiles were reflecting something else; rather than happiness and gratitude.

After he had gone, we returned to the car; I got in first followed heavily by the two of them. We stayed still in there; nothing could be heard but my sighs. As I was sitting on the back seat, I dropped my head onto my chest and folded my hands together. I was burning from inside. Both of them were looking out of their windows staring at the sky. “Ok .. we meant to tell you tonight” after almost a minute, my friend who was driving, said. I didn’t change my posture as if nothing was said. He continued saying, “I know you are angry, but please we can explain”. “Explain?” I exploded. “Explain that you have been lying at me all along telling me that you had to take your mother to the hospital in Muscat when you were having job interviews?! This is the third time you lie at me. I think it’s better be over here” I continued as I was unlocking the door. I opened the door and off I got and moved away. They got off as well and were crying after me begging me to wait and listen to what they wanted to say, but I just kept moving still my chin on my chest and my hands in my pockets.

Home I returned, and I locked myself in my room for the whole night and most of the next day. There in my room, I sat alone, and I felt it, I sensed it for the first time in my life, I felt loneliness. That egregious feeling forced me to think over the matter again. I don’t know in what way or for what reason I was thinking about it because I was just rotating the torturing idea, “they’d been lying at me”. It didn’t occur to me, or I didn’t want it to, that I was over reacting. They had been calling me and sending me texts over that night which I didn’t bother even to look at.

Next morning, I was awakened by gentle knocks on my door. I went to open it as I thought it would be my mother, but, to my astonishment, it was them, the two of them behind whom my mother was standing, and she nodded at me as if she was saying, ‘please let them in’.

One part of me was urging me to lock the door again and the other to let them in. I couldn’t make my mind, so I just returned back to my bed avoiding both decisions. Into my room, they followed me smiling, mocking and teasing me that I missed a gorgeous dinner because I didn’t answer their calls. I knew what they were doing; thus, I decided not to give them the satisfaction, so I was lowering my head, careful not to meet their eyes. Seeing that I was quite persistent in being irresponsive, they tried something else. Now they were looking at my childhood photos, which were on the wall opposite to my bed. As I anticipated, one of them said, “so this is your toothless photo; you know you look prettier without that tooth”, commenting on the only photo I appeared in laughing. Still, nothing changed on my posture except that I closed my eyes, and I chose to look into that darkness (or whiteness I’m not so sure what colour it was) to distract myself.

Suddenly, silence filled the room, but I still could feel their presence; not only that, I knew that they were facing me at that point, may be waiting for me to say something or may be they were thinking of another attempt. At that moment, I was about to raise my head and look into their eyes. What for? I didn’t know. I just felt that I had to. Oh God! If (and only if) I just raised my head, if I opened my eyes, just if, I might come to realize that life sometimes gives a second chance! It might do, but we’ve got to ask for it.

Although they realized that I was blocking all the channels, they left me with one more option. They reminded me as they were getting out that tomorrow would be Thursday and I knew where I could find them on Thursdays. Then they left. Well I don’t know who left the other. Since last night, they came back to me so many times, but I didn’t. I preferred to remain in that darkness (or whiteness) of mine. When they were gone, I raised my head and fixed my eyes directly on that photo, my toothless photo. I still remember when that photo was taken. It was almost dark when my uncle had found me and convinced me to return back home because I was escaping my mother’s punishment for what I did with my little brother in that morning. I was racing with him up and down on the living room’s table (I know, how crazy!) and despite my mother’s callings to nock it off and get down, we didn’t. I don’t recall exactly how it happened, but I do remember that I was grabbing him when we both fell down, me on my chin, so I got my tooth broken, and him, well I don’t know, but I saw a cut on his forehead out of which blood was like flooding. I immediately held myself and ran off. So I spent my whole day roaming around; I hadn’t had my breakfast nor my lunch; I didn’t know where to go or how that day would end.

Now and as I was looking at that picture, I was pondering as to what made me smile! Was it because my uncle found me, so I could go home supported and defended to some extent? Or was it for the mere habit that I was taken a photo of? What was obvious was that I didn’t care how would I look, toothless! That is, it (my smile) wasn’t a result of something that had happened, but I’m pretty sure that it shadowed what came after. There was definitely something that made me feel that I had to; so I did. I smiled not for what I had done or what I had lost, but for what I might get. That what probably made me feel I needed to smile, so I had forgotten what had happened and just smiled. Or it could be that I had forgotten because I decided to smile. Well I didn’t care which is which, really, but I knew that I did smile when I felt I had to, and that might help me get back home, forgiven.

At night it was raining heavily, and the thunder was roaring all over the night. I barely slept then. My body was a battlefield. I woke up and I felt that my cognition was broken down. I found myself collecting my things, dressed and I was ready to go out. I wasn’t thinking of what I was doing; I just knew that I needed to go to them and put up with them and start anew. The morning was pleasant, though a bit cold, but I always admired such mornings (when the sun comes out after its’ been raining over night). The streets seemed very clean, the trees being washed up looked very pretty and alive, and the birds were singing out loud. I could sense a happier melody in their tones which might be because (I thought) they were too worried over night that the rain would continue till morning and they hadn’t got any food left for the next day, but as it turned out it couldn’t be a better morning for collecting food and celebrating life.

I drove off and as I was getting closer to our place, where I was expecting them, I could see over the mountains a storm coming, the wind started to blow strongly, and the birds started to hurry to their places; their melodies changed they got a fearful tone now.

I also saw a cloud of dust over the horizon. Then I slowed down because I saw a crowd of people gathering by the road a round something that looked like a car that had rolled over so badly. As I was getting closer to the centre of the crowd, everything around me went into a slow motion. I felt that every hair on my body stood, and I could hear my heart beating too fast and loud, each beating was like the roaring thunder last night. Because I recognized that car. I know it among millions; it’s ours.

I pulled over, got out, and started my way to the car. My steps were too heavy that I felt like dragging my legs one after the other. Despite the whole crowd some of whom seemed to be shouting, I heard nothing except my breathes that were getting quicker and heavier. It was about ten steps to the car when suddenly I felt that my heart stopped, my breaths ceased and I was literally frozen, for what I saw. I saw them, the two of them, carried out of the car, their bodies were badly damaged, covered by blood from toe to head; one of the bodies had a deep cut just above the waist from which his guts were hanging out; the other had his head crashed so badly that you cannot recognize his face.

Yes I saw them there; in that state; I saw them for the last time. I saw them dead.